my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
