thus making me awesome and them whores
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
