I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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