I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
