dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
