So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
