I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
