I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize