I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
