Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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