Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
