I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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