i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I believe in your delicious
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
