What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
