My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
