She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
and she was petting her beer can
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
