The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
