I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
