I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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