I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
