Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
