Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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