Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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