Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
