apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's always time for handjobs
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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