in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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