My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
