I am in a vortex of obligation.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Actions speak louder than pants.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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