ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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