I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
