put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
