i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
