Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
