guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he fucked my hip out of place.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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