white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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