My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
