He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
