Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
