i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
