The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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