***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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