Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize