i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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