He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
