Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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