umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
