Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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