Got a toothbrush?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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