I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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