I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
