i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
