I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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