This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
