I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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