I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
