How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
