You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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